I wrote this poem on Trust? And I need it to be criticized very critically?? [-=?

Trust





They say that friends come and go


but true friends


leave footprints in your heart


If that were true


my heart would have looked like


a beach


in the midst of summer.





To prove how special you were to me


I gave you a gift


It was a tiny little seed


but if cared for properly


it would bloom into a magnificent flower


called Trust.





I heard that Trust was a beautiful flower


but very rare


and to own it was a privelege


I knew you would tend to it


care for it


like you care for me





You did


You made it blossom


into a stunning flower


its bright petals full of life


and it continued to grow


and grow


and grow





And just when it seemed


it could grow no larger


Everything changed.





Did you take up acting?


Because you started playing many parts


Did you convert?


Because you sure lost your morals





I didn%26#039;t like having to think


before deciding if you were a friend


or if you were a stranger


But I could no longer deny it


You really were a stranger


and you were abusing my precious plant





I wanted so badly to take it back


I was a fool to put it in your care


But I could not





You left Trust thirsty


To a point where it shriveled


You deprived it of sunlight


To a point where it withered





You didn%26#039;t restore it while you could


and now it%26#039;s too late.


Once Trust dies


it cannot be brought back to life.

I wrote this poem on Trust? And I need it to be criticized very critically?? [-=?
Overall, especially being an English Major senior, I have read many poems and this one is good but needs some work. I really like the metaphor of trust being a seed that needs to grow and I think you need to begin the poem with Trust being a seed. Instead of using the beach metaphor, I would suggest using a garden metaphor because the beach and the growing of a seed really dont relate. However, maybe begin the poem and say:





They say that true friends come and go


But true friends


are the water to the seeds of life,


that help you grow.


If that were true,


my life would have been a garden,


blooming so delightfully,


like those on a summer day.





However, one could ask who is they? So maybe change it to %26quot;It is said...%26quot;





Then I would put the lines that say:





I once heard that trust was a like a beautiful flower,


that had developed from a seed,


very rare, yet very delicate and special.


A true friendship resembles this,


very rare, yet very special.





Then use the lines: (go through them and see where I added or deleted)





To prove how special you were to me


I gave you a gift


It was a tiny little seed


and (don%26#039;t use but) if cared for properly


would turn in to a magnificent flower


and that flower is called Trust.





I gave it to you


knowing that you would care for it


tend to its needs to help it grow


just as you had done for me.





You did


You made it blossom


into a stunning flower


its bright petals full of life


and it continued to grow


and grow


and grow





And just when it seemed


it could grow no larger


or become more beautiful


something happened


Everything changed,


when you changed.





Did you take up acting?


Because you started playing many parts


Did you convert?


Because you sure lost your morals





A state of confusion struck,


the petals began changing


to a brown color before falling off


onto the soil that was once nourished.


I had to decide if you were a friend


or if you were a stranger


But I could no longer deny it


You really were a stranger


and you were abusing my precious plant





I wanted so badly for you to nurture it


I was a fool to put it in your care


I thought you cared for it


I thought I could trust you with it


But I no longer could.





You left Trust thirsty


To a point where it shriveled


You deprived it of sunlight


To a point where it withered





It could have been restored


and everything could be okay


but now it%26#039;s too late.


Once Trust dies


it cannot be brought back to life.








I just added a few lines to make it flow better as a poem but you were definitely on the right track. I hope this helps. Overall, this poem rocks and I love the metaphor of trust as a flower. Email me if you have any more questions.
Reply:The message of the poem is simple and pure. However, the poem itself seemed jumbled. Your metaphor with trust and the flower is used throughout, but you never take time to elaborate on it. It is just there. And you need to decide to reference it as trust of the flower, or reference the different aspects of the flower as it is being affected.





Oh and another little peeve, footprints on the beach don%26#039;t stay there long because of the tide. I wrote a poem based around this fact, so the reference kills the poem from the outset.



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